I’m an Elitist? NOPE.
” Sometimes I wonder if you look down on me, because u live in Semi D and I live in a HDB flat.”
It’s not just one person who has said this to me, its been one “close friend” after another way back when I gave a shit about friendships and people to bother with kind words and reassurances, when in fact I’m wondering when the fuck I gave off the vibe that I look down on anyone.
Maybe it was the cold sweat and stammering when I spoke to people, my doughy slightly overweight physique, the fact that I worked for the money in Pre-U to support my mum who was cut off from allowances by my dad. And after she found work I continued the tuition and could afford shit outside of the $5 per day allowance I got. Yes I was a rolly polly wad of confidence, reeking of elitism, by the single fact that I lived in a semi D and that my dad, a self made millionaire, drove a flashy car, because he was proud of his accomplishments, and why shouldn’t he? I’m proud of my dad, I don’t think I could have achieved what he achieved. But did I ever pull my weight about it? No. My friends whom I still talk to know it.
By sheer appearances, I was pigeonholed, most of the time without me knowing I was. I could not crack a joke, or even be happy about doing something well ( which wasn’t often) without being called “proud” and hurting someone’s tender un-elitist hearts.
For the longest time, I thought I was insensitive, I apologised because I know it’s not easy to be struggling and maybe I really don’t understand. I reassured and reassured that classism is wrong, elitism is wrong, that we are all people and what is important is our friendship. I defended and defended these people’s parents when they spat out the fact that they are ” labourers” or as one ex boyfriend tearfully told me ” a taxi driver uncle”, that they are earning an honest living, putting them through school, that it’s a beautiful thing and I envy them for the things I don’t have in my family.
But all they saw, boyfriends, best friends, were that I lived in a semi D and that I probably look down on them because of it. Putting up false fronts, assuming that my money is free to spend because my daddy’s rich ( That rendered me penniless in much of my 20s, because I refuse to ask my dad for money and I’m glad I have not. Not even when I was hospitalised.), the things I have that I bought with my hard earned money, are assumed to be gifts. Do you know how it feels to be seen as a freeloader when every fucking thing and every accomplishment I have was an uphill battle with family who thinks I’m unemployed when I’m not and friends who think I have it easy? It feels like shit. I’m not the worst of cases for sure, but to be misunderstood like that pisses me off, and I can’t even defend myself, because I love my work, and I’m not gonna start moaning about it because people don’t know.
Fact is, I am living it up, but not because I live in a semi d, or that my dad’s rich. Is cause I soldiered on and I managed to eke out a living without compromising and I’m proud now because whatever small accomplishments I have are mine, and I’m not living a lie, I did not cave and I am on the way to becoming the person I want to be.
So am I an elitist? No. A resounding no. I am in fact lower in this blasted social scale than the average HDB kid when I was still a farm girl. I was filthy, wild and uncouth. I bathed using water from a well, and the toilet was an outhouse with a hole dug into the ground where snakes would hide. HDB kids SCOFFED AT ME in Primary school with their Nintendos and functioning toilet bowls in the house. But suddenly, because I moved from the farm to a Semi D, I look down on people?
NO. I’m not the elitist one.
THE ACCUSERS ARE. They want to be elitist, but they are not there yet. And so they look for someone to blame and I became an easy target because I was stupid enough to think they were friends and deserved my compassion.
Is there a point beyond this easily misunderstood rant?
Yes. It’s that elitism cannot be defeated if we do not have pride in who we are in the first place. If all we do is complain that we are victimised and gloss over people by judging them purely on the superficial things. That we cannot compete, that we are not worthy. That if this person is rich the only choices I have is to be subservient or defensive.
But there is another option, and that is to hold your own, see the value of who you are as a person beyond the material comparisons. Because not everyone who lives in a landed property, or is successful, or earns millions is elitist. They may be a little removed from certain regularities in your life, but until they actually show it, maybe we can all benefit from removing this class separation in the way we assess each new encounter.Don’t blight a perfectly innocent friendship with an inferiority complex that only perpetuates the divide, a part of me that cares and spent copious hours trying to set things straight is gone, because if having a person u deem “elitist” kowtow to you so you can feel better is what you want, sorry, look for another poor sap who is misguidedly guilty for no reason.
Thanks alot you dickheads who ruined my teenage years and early adulthood.
